Desheenafied

I'm sorry, but this judging made no sense. Sheena gets kicked off the week that she's at her most Nomi Malone-esque?

What kind of a farce is this?

�And speaking of Showgirls...

One word: Goddess.

(Well, it's either that or these three words: Xena: The Musical.)

Soooo, correct me if I'm wrong (I'm sure you will), but I didn't notice a single instance of crying this time. This is I think the first time this has ever happened. Last cycle, when I thought an episode went by without it, I was wrong. Chalk it up to Sheena's (box-y) moxie: instead of weeping upon packing up her belongings, she told us, "There's never gonna be another Sheena." I can't tell you how comforting her enduring confidence is. Plus, you know, she's right:

(This is what I mean by "box-y moxie," btw.)

Anyway, if she won't cry, I'll let Jodeci handle the heavy lifting. This one's for my peoples who lost their Sheena:�

That hoochie walked out the door. She don't exist here. High-laugh (even though I'm high-crying inside).:(

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

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"I think Sam had the very first makeover on the spot that I've done that just did not work." I just want to point out that it takes a big person to admit that she's been perfect up to this point.

But really, what the fuck? It looks like Tyra went down to the docks, looked at what the hookers were wearing and embraced it.

Also, this isn't a Tyraism, but aren't you getting sick of all the Stylista guilt?

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I thought she did it last week just because it was the premiere, but now I have a feeling she's going to do it every week until the end of this ANTM cycle. It's kind of sad watching her grovel so clearly. I much more enjoy it when it involves costumes and characters and contortions.

She's seriously a bowl of mac and cheese and a fly crawling around on a child's face away from Sally Struthers begging for our patronage. So I say no. I like to imagine her suffering.

That said:

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Total hair upgrade y/y? It's got all of the maturity of a Lauren Hutton/Madonna thing, but with none of the character-defining tooth-gap. Easy, breezy, dentally sound.

Anyway.

1. First of all, I just wanna say:



Yo!

2. I can think of no issue more compelling than that which Sam succinctly dubbed as the "lesbian bath moment."

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So tastefully shot! I felt like I was peeping into a naughty window of days gone by, when the mere suggestion of Sapphic interest was enough to make libidos stand on end and hormones ebb and flow like an ocean of vagina juice. In a perfect world, here's how it would have looked:

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One key difference between these and the kind of porno cards you find in boxes on the side of the road of the Upper East Side: the vajayjay shaving. They didn't have that back in the day. It's a recent development, like oral sex and other things that make my balls shrink when I think about them in old-timey contexts, when my grandparents were more hormonal. And, you know, alive.

Also, I think the fact that McKey was, like, conscious of this in her bed is much more creepy than any participation up in this...

You know?



What the hell are you laughing at, Analeigh? It tickles?



Does it tickle in sepia? Why don't you just go chew on your finger with your lesbitwin already?



3. Oh Elina, how do you annoy me? Let me count the ways?

"The house actually reminds me of Ukraine a lot. Just to be here, it just brings back a lot of that same feeling."

And you know what THIS brings back? When the girls found out they were going to Europe and I just knew that Elina was going to go hog wild, fetishizing her immigration now that she's back on the home continent. Aren't Amsterdam and the Ukraine, like, as far apart socially, economically, aesthetically and linguistically as it gets in Europe? Isn't this tantamount to comparing apples to pomegranate? I'm starting to get the feeling that she's just saying this shit to piss everybody off because she can't possibly be so lame.

"I can't do anything without hearing the word 'control.'"



This is a story about control. Elina's control. It goes blahblahblahI'mcoldblahblahblahI'mEuropeanblahblahblahwearveganfootwearblabblahblahblah.

And then there was her fight with Sam.



Look, when it comes to sex work, I'd be much more inclined to go along with Elina's pro stance than Sam's con stance. However, Elina's smug enough to convert me into pro-genital mutilation on principle. I mean, unless you're referring to an anti-hate/discriminatory point of view, "I don't know, I have a problem with people thinking it's a problem," is just a succinct way to sum up your own hypocritical cluelessness.

And I know she's young and she'll most likely get it figured out one day, since she's at least bright enough to know that she's supposed to care about shit. I can't imagine how harrowing it would be to watch myself in a high-pressure situation at 18 or 19. So, here's hoping she gets her shit together. Drink your drink, Elina! Cheers!



Oh shit, I feel an endorsement coming on. She is, after all, still the hottest no mater how rancid her output.

Oh and this?



I was glad to see that her hands weren't, you know, turning blue. But it did inspire another take on her general monstrosity.





Oh, shut up Analeigh. You wish you were awesome enough to get monster hands. All you have is a Klan hood that makes you look totally frumpy.



4. These girls did little to advance whore advocacy, anyway. First of all, I think a properly working backbone is just an item below a functioning vagina on the list of things necessary order to whore properly.



Second of all:

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Without a blowjob face, I don't see how you could possibly be dolliest.

Third of all, whatever weirdo designed Elina's dress talked about how it could transform so that it could become mopedwear or some shit.

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Bitch, stop lying. You made that shit to look like labia. Love that it makes Elina's head the clit, though. That's perfect: she's not quite loud and rawr rawr rawr enough to be a dickhead, but she's definitely obnoxious enough to be like a dickhead. She's dickhead-lite. She's a clithead.

Also?

Looks like someone got silly with mom's makeup bag again!



Oh Analeigh, stop looking so smug and take the Kool-Aid mustache that's crashing through walls and saying, "Oh yeah!" to complete your look.



5. Paulina's totally got her nose up his ass, right?



Your thoughts, Analeigh?



Indeed. I would tend to agree that J's is a bad ass. It just has to be, right?

Also, a long time ago, someone sent me a story about seeing Mr. J's low-hanging ashy balls. Thank god everyone was spared. I wonder if it was cold in that room or something?

6. And speaking of Paulina, here's this:



Do with it what you will. I personally don't think it's funny when people mock Benny from Total Recall. When I compared Marjorie to him last week, I meant it as a compliment.

7. You know who we haven't heard from in a while?



Analeigh!

This was so overrated. Body-wise, it's fine, but facially...



Ugh, I just don't get how this little button cutesy unchkin of a girl is trying to be passed off as anything remotely high-fashion. Especially in this shot! Analeigh's obviously a pretty girl, but too often, her face just looks fucking weird in shots. Like the one above. She looks like a slightly less horse-faced Leona Lewis. She's pony-faced.

But you know, none of the shots were too impressive with the exception of McKey's who's my default favorite I guess at this point, which I certainly never expected to happen.

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Sexy is the last thing I would have expected from this crab-walking weirdo, but with Sheena gone and as long as Elina's flapping her gums, McKey is pretty much the cycle's one-stop sexy shop. Sad but true.

And I didn't even like Sheena's very much. It looks like she's got a secret she's dying to tell...



...and it has something to do with laxatives.

Analeigh? What's your opinion on laxatives?



They're no laughing matter. She has no sense of humor for anything whose results are handled anally. Or analeigh, for that matter.

8. And speaking of all that is pretty, let's do something we haven't in WEEKS and throw a pretty party. Guess who the star is?



No, it's not the weird Dutch designer whose piercings looked entirely too much like acne.

It's, it's...



Marjorie! But you could have guessed that, right?

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Analeigh?



Through thick and thin, through mugging and makeup, so stands Marjalez.

9. Jellybag!

Julie R., compares Sheena to Whistler's Mother.

It's gotta be the laxative thing, although Whistler's Mother strikes me more as the fiber type.

Veronique L., like so many before her has compared Analeigh to Michelle Trachtenberg.

The difference? Veronique prepared the side-to-side herself. She wins.

Peter G., sent in this one:

Indeed. "Bugs" is exactly what I think of when I think of Analeigh.

Hannah (whom, I think it's safe to say, is not from Alaska) has devised this equation:

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I've heard the McKey-Macaulay comparison before, but I've never in my life heard of Macaulay Vulcan! Sometimes you just need a good pun, you know?

Johari J., says last week's Total Recall reference could have extended to another character:

Love it. As a bonus, Johari included this gif:

Perfect. Tyra's neck is about as thick as Ahnold's and everything.

And finally, the most dead-on Jellybag submission I looked at this week (I'm still catching up, btw), comes from William N., who strikes a comparison that seems blindingly obvious in retrospect.

He makes this look easy. I'm kind of shamed.

10. At last, the recap is over. Go in peace.



That's how you say buh-bye in English Dutch. But Elina already knew that.

Go 'head, Analeigh. Go crazy like you've been dying to all recap.